The Nutshell

The Nutshell is a creative collective under the government of Holly-Rose and Hannah-Rose with ODD and SPONTANEOUS tamperings by Logie-Bear; made up of writers, musicians, and artists. Here teacups are rife and insanity is always technicoloured.
 
HomeFAQSearchRegisterMemberlistUsergroupsLog in

Share | 
 

 Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please

Go down 
AuthorMessage
TimTam
Tarnation
In a TeaCup
avatar

Number of posts : 868
Age : 28
Location : physical or mental?
Reputation :
2 / 1002 / 100

Registration date : 2008-03-02

PostSubject: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please   Tue 23 Sep 2008 - 23:54

So I noticed I'd not put anything up for a while, and this is the last thing I wrote before I became all soppy and attampted a love poem before remembering that at 18 I really can't understand what love is, let alone write love poetry, but that's ok because I I couldn't really manage anything anyway.

There is a part in here I'm not happy with, I'd like to see if anyone else thinks that part needs work.



There is a light on in the hall
That sneaks under my door
Lighting up the darkness
For my blind eyes

The clock on the wall
Smiles at me
As greedy hands
Steal more its precious possession

When you were here
Time itself belonged to us
And darkness was more
Than just the absence of light

Tomorrow has been promised
At dawn the sun will rise
There will still be nothing
I will see it clearer then

What became of love’s philosophy
When you left my side?
I asked you leave the light on
When you closed the door
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.bebo.com/tlvv
Logiebear
Beloved Squirrel
Moderator
Beloved SquirrelModerator
avatar

Number of posts : 1224
Age : 26
Location : Cloud Cuckoo Land
Reputation :
23 / 10023 / 100

Registration date : 2008-04-11

PostSubject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please   Wed 24 Sep 2008 - 4:53

TimTam wrote:


The clock on the wall
Smiles at me
As greedy hands
Steal more its precious possession


I can see what you're trying to say here and using varied syntax is interesting but it doesn't flow and it's the odd one out in the short rhythm of the stanza. If you were trying to get an 'ebb and flow' feel between stanzas, this line would ruin it.

It has merit.

_________________
Logan Here! Logan there! Logan over there!

LOGAN IN SPAIN!
Back to top Go down
View user profile https://www.youtube.com/logiebear42
Hannah-Rose
Goddess Devine
Supreme OverLady
Goddess DevineSupreme OverLady
avatar

Number of posts : 1038
Reputation :
42 / 10042 / 100

Registration date : 2008-03-01

PostSubject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please   Wed 24 Sep 2008 - 7:33

I do intend to crit this... I just need to figure it out first... I think it's one of your better ones, though.

_________________
konnichi wa, bitches
Back to top Go down
View user profile
wretchedkisses
Apprentice Squirrel


Number of posts : 320
Age : 28
Location : Wellywood
Reputation :
0 / 1000 / 100

Registration date : 2008-09-04

PostSubject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please   Wed 24 Sep 2008 - 13:10

I love the idea of it and the structure - starting and finishing on the same point is great, it feels complete.

The first, third and fifth stanzas work.

Second and fourth - clunky, non-well-scanning (IRONYYYYYY) hell.

The clock on the wall
Smiles at me
As greedy hands
Steal more its precious possession

I agree with Logan, the intention was good but its just too much. Purple language is not always good language. You can be clever and heartfelt without using 80 bajillion syllables.

--

Tomorrow has been promised
At dawn the sun will rise
There will still be nothing
I will see it clearer then

These sound like four one liners taken from presidential campaign speeches. Also, they're boring. "At dawn the sun will rise"????!??!! Really? Its not emotive, its hello, Captain Obvious?!

These two stanzas really let down the spark and structure and emotion of the other three. Rehash these two and I'd love to see what you come up with.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
TimTam
Tarnation
In a TeaCup
avatar

Number of posts : 868
Age : 28
Location : physical or mental?
Reputation :
2 / 1002 / 100

Registration date : 2008-03-02

PostSubject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please   Thu 25 Sep 2008 - 1:25

The clock on the wall
Smiles at me
As greedy hands
Steal more its precious possession

I get what you're saying but I wanted to stress the importance of time with this one, and also a bit with the fourth.

Perhaps gift intead of possession? Though you lose the alliteration.

Yay, I could run for president Smile

The last two lines were what I was getting at, but the first two were setting that up. I could perhaps do without that stanza entirely except that you might lose the meaning with the idea of understanding.


And thank you Hannah, lol tell me what you think it is, but if you're trying to apply it to something in my life then don't bother, it's not from experience. I'd love to hear your interpretations, or anyone elses for that matter.
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.bebo.com/tlvv
xAnastasiax
Mindless Minion
avatar

Number of posts : 236
Age : 28
Location : Nueva Zelanda
Reputation :
0 / 1000 / 100

Registration date : 2008-09-24

PostSubject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please   Thu 25 Sep 2008 - 5:11

Yes yes Tammy, run for President! Then I can be First Lady :-P lol

I do like the poem. I'm crap at any kind of poetry to do with love, so I do applaud you. I agree that the second stanza could be changed a bit. I like the way the poem runs together and that the end links to the start. I had to read it a couple of times for it to make sense to me, but as I say, poems aren't my area, lol. At all.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
TimTam
Tarnation
In a TeaCup
avatar

Number of posts : 868
Age : 28
Location : physical or mental?
Reputation :
2 / 1002 / 100

Registration date : 2008-03-02

PostSubject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please   Thu 25 Sep 2008 - 6:17

You'd be the best looking first lady America's ever had! but I'm not the politician here.
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.bebo.com/tlvv
xAnastasiax
Mindless Minion
avatar

Number of posts : 236
Age : 28
Location : Nueva Zelanda
Reputation :
0 / 1000 / 100

Registration date : 2008-09-24

PostSubject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please   Thu 25 Sep 2008 - 6:18

Lol. I love you!
Back to top Go down
View user profile
TimTam
Tarnation
In a TeaCup
avatar

Number of posts : 868
Age : 28
Location : physical or mental?
Reputation :
2 / 1002 / 100

Registration date : 2008-03-02

PostSubject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please   Thu 25 Sep 2008 - 6:20

lol lol, love you too!!
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.bebo.com/tlvv
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please   

Back to top Go down
 
Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» I Love Pet Supermarket Contest
» kanjani8's version of One love
» Tuag Ua Ib Ke-A Hmong Real Love Story at Mt. Pa-Tong
» THE STORY OF THE STAR-CROSSED LOVERS...(REVIVED)
» The INTP

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
The Nutshell :: Creative Chaos :: Of the Pen :: Poetry-
Jump to: