The Nutshell

The Nutshell is a creative collective under the government of Holly-Rose and Hannah-Rose with ODD and SPONTANEOUS tamperings by Logie-Bear; made up of writers, musicians, and artists. Here teacups are rife and insanity is always technicoloured.
 
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 I.D.R.R.

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xAnastasiax
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PostSubject: I.D.R.R.   Thu 25 Sep 2008 - 5:43

I wrote this in Year 13 (2007) for a Creative Writing exercise, that was meant to be told from a childhood memory as if you were the child, hence the language and attempt to sound innocent. It's about the day my uncle died. My teacher said she got what I was trying to do but that it didn't work lol and I agree, but it means something to me and my family. Feel free to add suggestions to how I can fix it, because I'd rather like some. Writing as if you are the child is somewhat difficult at times. I should be approx 10 years old when this is told.

..................


I don’t really remember what I had been doing earlier that day. I remember coming home with Mum. Dad was at work, which was weird, because I’m sure it was a weekend, and Madeline was playing at Shavana’s house. Mum and I were sitting at the table when the phone rang. Mum picked it up.

‘Hello?’ she said. ‘Yes. Okay. Dougie’s what?! Okay, I’ll come down now.’ And she hung up the phone, placing it down on the table, with a funny loook on her face like my teacher had when she was trying to solve a maths problem.
‘What happened?’ I asked, looking up from my book, expecting something interesting or exciting. Mum didn’t usually wear that expression unless something cool was going to happen.
‘Uncle Dougie’s collapsed.’ Mum explained- her voice steady and slow.
‘What?’ I paused, confused. ‘What do you mean?’ I asked again.
‘I don’t know. He was at soccer and he collapsed. He’s been taken to the hospital and Aunty Barbara’s there now.’ Mum didn’t seem very worried, so it mustn’t be bad, I thought. I didn’t think there was anything to worry about. People collapse all the time.

We had to go to Danielle’s house. Aunty Barbara had dropped Alexandra, Shavana, Alaryce and Madeline off there and had gone to the hospital. Mum and I didn’t really know what was going on. Mum talked to Vivienne, Danielle’s Mum, for ages and I got bored so I went to find the other kids. Then Mum went to the hospital too.

We played on Danielle’s trampoline for a while. She had a cool flying-fox in her backyard. It went all around and there were all different swings and tracks! Her dad had made it for her. I wished my dad built things like that! We played outside until it was dark and then we had to wash our hands and go inside. My shoes were muddy, so I had to leave them by the back door to dry. I don’t really remember what we did next. I think we watched a movie, or played a game. Maybe we talked about the weekend, and planned a trip to Laser Force. We were in the bathroom when the phone rang. Vivienne picked it up. We all ran to the lounge, where she was, to try and hear what was going on. She put the phone down and said that she was going to take us all down to the hospital. We were excited! We hadn’t been to the hospital like this before!

In the car, we played I-Spy. It was dark, so we couldn’t really see much. We laughed lots though; we were all squashed in the car. Vivienne told us that we had to be really quiet when we got to the hospital. She said we weren’t allowed to run up and down the hall-way. We all looked at Shavana and Madeline then and laughed.

When we got to the hospital, it was easy to find a park because there were hardly any cars there. That was good. We all walked fast to the doors. We even got to go into the Emergency Room! Just like on TV.

We stopped at the reception deck and asked where to go. The lady at the counter showed us that it was down the hall, first corridor on the right, then third door on the left. We walked quickly, talking fast and loudly. We were excited to see our mums and find out what was happening. Nobody would tell us anything!

But Dad was there too… Weird. How did he get here? I saw him in the second room to the left, talking on a phone. Who’s he talking to? I wondered. Perhaps he’s ordering Pizza. The adults had been here for a while, they must be hungry. Maybe they were going to sneak some to Uncle Dougie, so he didn’t have to eat that yucky hospital food.

The next room was where were went into. The doctors and nurses watched us as we walked past. Mum and Aunty Barbara were in the room. So was Nana. We all looked around. Why are they crying?
‘Daddy’s dead,’ Aunty Barbara said. What? Alexandra made a choking noise, it sounded like someone had pushed all the air of out her lungs. Why? Alaryce burst into high-pitched squeals. How? I looked around but I didn’t know what to do. When? It didn’t make sense. Alexandra, Shavana and Alaryce went toward their Mum’s outstretched arms. Nana hugged Madeline and held her tight. Madeline started choking too. It wasn’t even her dad. I stood there for a bit. I don’t really remember when I started crying. I just know that it happened.

After that, more people arrived. The police came. That was scary- we didn’t know why they were there. We weren’t allowed out of the room but we could see them through the window. Blair and Sean came, and Uncle Gary too. Uncle Gary cried, but Grandad didn’t. I’d never seen Uncle Gary cry before. We got to go in and say good-bye to Uncle Dougie’s body. It was weird. Alaryce couldn’t see over the table, so I was going to lift her up, but I couldn’t say any words. It just came out as gasps and gurgles. She was crying and Aunty Barbara leaned over and said “I love you, honey”, gasping and shaking, placing two fingers on his heart.

It was late at night by the time we left the hospital, and Alex almost threw up. We all went back to Nana’s house for a bit and ate some food, but nobody could swallow much. Aunty Barbara and the kids decided to stay the night at Nana’s, but I don’t really remember what happened after that.


Last edited by xAnastasiax on Mon 29 Sep 2008 - 20:25; edited 1 time in total
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wretchedkisses
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PostSubject: Re: I.D.R.R.   Mon 29 Sep 2008 - 12:09

I think it works.. apart from 'furrowing'... even if a precocious ten year old knows what that means when reading, they probably wouldn't use it in writing.

I think the emotion is very well conveyed.. the confusion and shock and uncertainty - being naive - the pizza thing did that well.

Apart from the furrowing thing, I think it conveys your point beautifully.. I certainly felt the emotion.
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xAnastasiax
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PostSubject: Re: I.D.R.R.   Mon 29 Sep 2008 - 20:25

Thanks, I shall work on that bit :-)
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