The Nutshell

The Nutshell is a creative collective under the government of Holly-Rose and Hannah-Rose with ODD and SPONTANEOUS tamperings by Logie-Bear; made up of writers, musicians, and artists. Here teacups are rife and insanity is always technicoloured.
 
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 A Cautionary Tale

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wretchedkisses
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PostSubject: A Cautionary Tale   Mon 29 Sep 2008 - 12:22

its such an intensely awkward emotion.
it leaves your
gut unsettled; eyes, shifty.
words are double-checked,
words are double-checked,
before they're sent;
jokes made without care - before,
held in reserve - now.

its confusion; self doubt.
take care, please, or it will
become self-loathing and that
grey knotty tangle inside;
the trigger for something
worse.


Last edited by wretchedkisses on Wed 1 Oct 2008 - 11:10; edited 2 times in total
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TimTam
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PostSubject: Re: A Cautionary Tale   Wed 1 Oct 2008 - 8:26

I quite like this one; I think it's much better than the others, more powerful.

My only suggestion is that for me 'antagonist' felt a little uncomfortable and out of place.

You don't have to use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.
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wretchedkisses
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PostSubject: Re: A Cautionary Tale   Wed 1 Oct 2008 - 9:40

How about that now?

I'm glad you like it.
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Hannah-Rose
Goddess Devine
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PostSubject: Re: A Cautionary Tale   Wed 1 Oct 2008 - 11:00

Subject matter eloquently dealt with. The lack of capitalisation burns my eyes out a little, but I'm presuming it's styalistic? The 'take care' - the speaker seems to suddenly turn and directly address the reader, feels a bit awkward, and it comes with a sudden change in voice as well when coupled with 'lest' - vocabulary which doesn't really seem to fit with the tone of the rest of the poem... but a nice descriptive vocabulary all presents itself very well.

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wretchedkisses
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PostSubject: Re: A Cautionary Tale   Wed 1 Oct 2008 - 11:10

re-edit, agains, haha. i like altering it with your suggestions, though.
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TimTam
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PostSubject: Re: A Cautionary Tale   Thu 2 Oct 2008 - 8:54

oo, I like that finish, I think it goes well with the rest of the poem.
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