The Nutshell

The Nutshell is a creative collective under the government of Holly-Rose and Hannah-Rose with ODD and SPONTANEOUS tamperings by Logie-Bear; made up of writers, musicians, and artists. Here teacups are rife and insanity is always technicoloured.
 
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Pidgeon Haraser aka Gill
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Number of posts : 147
Age : 27
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Registration date : 2008-05-12

PostSubject: Bloodshot   Wed 18 Feb 2009 - 11:42

For Hannah my darling as she requested to see some new poems so she may critique.


**********
Give me your hand and hold mine or dont,

I'll dance in acid rain while you decide,

I could break a leg or leave you standing,

Humans and dogs both have bones inside,

If I could end the world with a word,

I might just to have made a decision,

If I called you now would you come to me,

Or leave in in the field with my bloodshot vision,

Run away or stay here with the snowflakes,

Pass the whisky but hold onto the gun,

A trigger is a friend to a sad soul,

Be real or a figment as long as your one,

You've been there for me when you didnt need to,

I'm a cliche and it's all so Catherine Parr,

I'll make you proud some day I promise,

But dont look at me now or I'll break your heart.
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Registration date : 2008-03-01

PostSubject: Re: Bloodshot   Sat 7 Mar 2009 - 2:48

Pidgeon Haraser aka Gill wrote:



**********
Give me your hand and hold mine or dont, Good opening, concise yet oblique to zero in on your central theme. BUT - already you've hit what I reckon is the primary speed-bump you've got in this poem. A lack of punctuation. You could try:
Code:
Give me your hand and hold mine - or don't.
or
Code:
Give me your hand and hold mine;

or don't.
Either way that's definitely a full stop after "don't" (which, incidentally, has an apostraphe. And you definitely need something in there to pinpoint the change of thought-flow.


I'll dance in acid rain while you decide,

I could break a leg or leave you standing, Awesome line!

Humans and dogs both have bones inside, This line seems to have absolutely no connection with anything else in the poem. Either tie it in or scrap it. Usually I advise scrapping, unless it adds something important you wanted to communicate, in which case you certainly need to express the thought more clearly...

If I could end the world with a word,

I might just to have made a decision, You probably want a full-stop here. The endless run-on sentence thing is nicht gut for the reader.

If I called you now would you come to me,

Or leave in in the field with my bloodshot vision, For the love of grammar! Where is the question mark? :P At present I don't know if the next two lines a part of the initial question or not...

Run away or stay here with the snowflakes,

Pass the whisky but hold onto the gun,

A trigger is a friend to a sad soul,

Be real or a figment as long as your one, is that supposed to be "you're"?

You've been there for me when you didnt need to,

I'm a cliche and it's all so Catherine Parr, I think you need another full-stop here. The next sentence is a new idea.

I'll make you proud some day I promise,

But dont look at me now or I'll break your heart.
[color=red]Ending is good!

In general: Some strong ideas and nice turns of phrase. Basically your only issue here is punctuation. Grammar is your friend. Commas are not the be all and end all of punctuation. Make sure you know when you're starting a new idea, and mark it with a fresh sentence. Also, try some alternative punctuation, semi-colons and em-dashes are like poetry seasonings. Sprinkle here and there for extra flavour when required. <3

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