The Nutshell

The Nutshell is a creative collective under the government of Holly-Rose and Hannah-Rose with ODD and SPONTANEOUS tamperings by Logie-Bear; made up of writers, musicians, and artists. Here teacups are rife and insanity is always technicoloured.
 
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 Time Will Teach

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Pidgeon Haraser aka Gill
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PostSubject: Time Will Teach   Wed 18 Feb 2009 - 12:00

Another poem for Hannah, (it is in no way about her I am simply posting it for her to critique lol) Love you Hannah!!!!! xoxoxox

**************


You lied to me I know you did

Do not pretend you didn't for your face

I uncovered the truth I know you hid

And now to me you are a disgrace

Was it worth it for the things you lost

I guess my respect meant nothing at all

Perhaps one day you'll realize the cost

When I refuse to answer when you call

Don't crawl to me in several moons

When you wake up and see the world

I'll be smiling and whistling happy tunes

And you'll be sobbing, broken and curled

I feel no pity for how you are

You dug your own hole with your palms

You have hurt me but you left no scar

I'm over your charisma and charms

Walk away or stay I don't give a shit

It's your life and mine is mine

Where I was once spiteful and called you a git

I know now I can't hurt you as much as time
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Hannah-Rose
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PostSubject: Re: Time Will Teach   Sat 7 Mar 2009 - 3:56

Okay, now, bear in mind that I say this as your friend, and because I believe you have a great deal of potential as a writer, and that honest critiques are instrumental in any writer fulfilling their potential.

'Cause quite frankly, this poem is a little bit shit. I primarily blame the use of rhyme scheme. Strict rhyme schemes are dangerous little buggers, and drive otherwise pure-hearted writers to do nasty things. Like the use of inverse word-order. Which is always a bad idea. Always. And use all kinds of phrases that they otherwise wouldn't stoop to. Like "in several moons". Yes, it rhymes with "tunes". No, it isn't a good choice of phrasing. Basically, unless you're just spitting something off purely for the purpose of toying with a particular rhyme/rhythmic structure, these things are best avoided. If you actually want to make a point with your poetry, strict schemes are simply distracting and limiting.

You're much better off using rhyme in the same way you use other rhythmic devices - assonance et al. Internal rhyme is particularly nice! It should happen naturally and should never be forced.

This could be a poem with some nice emotional clout. I advise rewriting without a structure, just however it naturally comes out, and see what you get - it could be exciting! This will probably mean you will keep some of the rhymes - which add colour and rhythmic interest - without holding a specific AB rhyme scheme - which is distracting and limiting.

Also, just a couple of little grammar bits. Punctuation in poetry is the same as in any other piece of writing, the lines breaks don't affect it. So, you needn't start every line with a capital, only the beginnings of sentences as usual. Also, a line break isn't a pause, so if you don't want your poem to be one big run-on sentence, you need to punctuate! Preferably frequently and creatively! <3

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Logiebear
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PostSubject: Re: Time Will Teach   Sat 7 Mar 2009 - 20:41

Hannah-Rose wrote:
'Cause quite frankly, this poem is a little bit shit.

I love the intricate english technicalities you use Hannah Razz

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Hannah-Rose
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PostSubject: Re: Time Will Teach   Sun 8 Mar 2009 - 2:14

Well you know me, I try to keep an aura of strict professionalism and intellectualism at all times. ^-^

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