Okay, now, bear in mind that I say this as your friend, and because I believe you have a great deal of potential as a writer, and that honest critiques are instrumental in any writer fulfilling their potential.
'Cause quite frankly, this poem is a little bit shit. I primarily blame the use of rhyme scheme. Strict rhyme schemes are dangerous little buggers, and drive otherwise pure-hearted writers to do nasty things. Like the use of inverse word-order. Which is always a bad idea. Always. And use all kinds of phrases that they otherwise wouldn't stoop to. Like "in several moons". Yes, it rhymes with "tunes". No, it isn't a good choice of phrasing. Basically, unless you're just spitting something off purely for the purpose of toying with a particular rhyme/rhythmic structure, these things are best avoided. If you actually want to make a point with your poetry, strict schemes are simply distracting and limiting.
You're much better off using rhyme in the same way you use other rhythmic devices - assonance et al. Internal rhyme is particularly nice! It should happen naturally and should never be forced.
This could be a poem with some nice emotional clout. I advise rewriting without a structure, just however it naturally comes out, and see what you get - it could be exciting! This will probably mean you will keep some of the rhymes - which add colour and rhythmic interest - without holding a specific AB rhyme scheme - which is distracting and limiting.
Also, just a couple of little grammar bits. Punctuation in poetry is the same as in any other piece of writing, the lines breaks don't affect it. So, you needn't start every line with a capital, only the beginnings of sentences as usual. Also, a line break isn't a pause, so if you don't want your poem to be one big run-on sentence, you need to punctuate! Preferably frequently and creatively! <3
Subject: Time Will Teach 
Wed 18 Feb 2009 - 12:00
