The Nutshell

The Nutshell is a creative collective under the government of Holly-Rose and Hannah-Rose with ODD and SPONTANEOUS tamperings by Logie-Bear; made up of writers, musicians, and artists. Here teacups are rife and insanity is always technicoloured.
 
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 Also Untitled, as of yet.

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xAnastasiax
Mindless Minion
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PostSubject: Also Untitled, as of yet.   Thu 19 Feb 2009 - 20:18

Here you go, have fun critiquing (is that how you spell it?) my thing that's not really a poem but I put it in here anyway.

I'm not sure that the layout is meant to be make sense or be any good but hey. I'm experimenting.



Outside, the sun is shining and there are children
running up and down the quiet street,
Screaming with excitment.

Ice-creams melt in your hands and run all the way down your arms, and you have to
Jump and Dive into the ocean to get it off, letting the cool salt water splash over your head.

The animals are all sleeping in
the shadiest spot they can find, stretched out long with their
Pink tongues hanging limply from their open mouths.

It is summer and time means little.

~.~

Inside, I sit.

Alone and frozen
Cold.
I feel as though my hands will snap off and
Fall to the ground with a 'BANG'
at any moment.

My eyes are constantly blurred by short
Streams of salty liquid that rolls slowly down my pale cheeks, curving
over each frail bone.

I try to sleep but every time I lower
My eye lids over my white and solid eyes, I begin to see visions
Of my past.

Too scared to dream, I curl up in to the tightest
ball that I possibly can and pray to god to free me
From this never-ending torture.

It is summer, and time means everything.


Last edited by xAnastasiax on Sun 22 Feb 2009 - 9:06; edited 1 time in total
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TimTam
Tarnation
In a TeaCup
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PostSubject: Re: Also Untitled, as of yet.   Sun 22 Feb 2009 - 8:39

I like it. A few things that stick out to me

Fall to the ground with a 'BANG' - to me, bang makes me think of an explosion, not sure if that's what you intended.

I cannot sleep so I curl up in to the tightest - I feel like saying I cannot sleep is superfluous as you've just implied that.
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xAnastasiax
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PostSubject: Re: Also Untitled, as of yet.   Sun 22 Feb 2009 - 9:03

Yeah, that was the general idea of the bang. It's meant to be like a big noise amongst the silence.
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