The Nutshell

The Nutshell is a creative collective under the government of Holly-Rose and Hannah-Rose with ODD and SPONTANEOUS tamperings by Logie-Bear; made up of writers, musicians, and artists. Here teacups are rife and insanity is always technicoloured.
 
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 Fuck You

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Pidgeon Haraser aka Gill
Bloodied Typewriter
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Number of posts : 147
Age : 27
Location : Your Mums Thong
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Registration date : 2008-05-12

PostSubject: Fuck You   Sun 8 Mar 2009 - 10:49

My life had been dark since you arrived,

But I have smiled for the sake of your soul,

Did my gestures mean nothing?

Should I have not bothered and let you weep?

I wish I had,

You deserve to cry till you bleed,

I've cried enough for you,

Do you think you are really worth crying over?

You are pathetic, I hate you, I despise you.

I hope you feel the pain you cause me you basterd,

I hope it cuts you open and bleeds you dry you pathetic excuse of a dream,

A dream is only your visage you are really a nightmare,

Well I have woken up from you,

I see that the whores mean more than I.

You aren't worth the tears I shed,

I'll take your blood as payment drop for drop.

I hope all your aspirations fail,

I hope you die empty and alone like you leave so many,

So many people who only want to care for you.

I refuse to care,

These are the last words that shall ever be written about you,

Who else would want to write abut you?

No one but a stupid girl with too many chemicals and emotions to handle would waste the ink.

You are nothing special.

On day you will see that, and you will cry,

But no one will cry for you because we are all gone.

You live the life that suits you now.

But in the future the life you desire will be unavailable.

I may be trapped for now, but things will change,

You really have underestimated me haven't you.

How could you think the illusion would last forever?

You foolish, stupid, pathetic, moronic waste of space!

I hate you and from now on you do not exist,

I never have to look at you again nor speak to you.

So I would like my last words to be, Fuck You.
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wretchedkisses
Apprentice Squirrel


Number of posts : 320
Age : 28
Location : Wellywood
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Registration date : 2008-09-04

PostSubject: Re: Fuck You   Mon 9 Mar 2009 - 7:30

I like the raw emotion, but I think its too wordy.

It is sort of repetitive, so I think you can cut it down to several basic ideas and perhaps try and get it down to ten lines? You say "these are the last words that will be written about you", so don't (ironically) wax poetic, just state your point and close off.

There's some great imagery in there it just needs polish. ie instead of "a dream is only your visage you are really a nightmare" you could try "a dream was the vision, but you're a nightmare" or "in you, i got a nightmare not a dream" or even "not a dream; a nightmare"

think of yourself on one side of a window and your idea on the other. your words are the glass; you want them to be as transparent as possible so people only see the idea/image you're trying to create. they shouldn't be able to "see" the words at all. In really great writing, you don't notice the writing, because you're reading. Understand?
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