Nightscape Dreaming

Well this is a a writting forum so I felt a need to post something. Here's pretty much the only one that dosn't combust in daylight. Hope you like.

NIGHTSCAPE

I am waiting for home.
It is a time,
when the nightcrawlers have all crawled away,
like sluggish skins of illrepute,
bemused by their addled admiration,
for sobriaty and imperpriaty.

The glasses chime and shine,
untainted by rouge,
and the wine,
who has grown werrie of it nightly excitments,
sliding slick and sick on the tounge,
slumbers fermented dreams in its rows.

the piper sounds his last siren song,
and packs his pipe away to a softer
humdrum buzz.
The stars switch off in the shops.

I will hang up my cloak of darkness
and pour into my bones.

Quote :

sliding slick and sick on the tounge

Really liked that use of sibilance.
Well done!

sticky-pearls wrote:

Well this is a a writting writingforum so I felt a need to post something. Here's pretty much the only one that dosn't doesn'tcombust in daylight. Hope you like.

NIGHTSCAPE

I am waiting for home.
It is a time,
when the nightcrawlers have all crawled away,
like sluggish skins of illreputeill repute,
bemused by their addled admiration,
for sobriaty sobrietyand imperpriatyimpropriety.

The glasses chime and shine,
untainted by rouge,
and the wine,
who has grown werrie wearyof it nightly excitments,
sliding slick and sick on the tounge,
slumbers fermented dreams in its rows.

the piper sounds his last siren song,
and packs his pipe away to a softer
humdrum buzz.
The stars switch off in the shops.

I will hang up my cloak of darkness
and pour into my bones.

Just as a general note, as I don't crit poetry seeing as I can't write it; you've some spelling errors in here. Like 'werrie' - is that you using some archiac form that I am unaware of, or just bad spelling?

Put it through a spell check, methinks m'dear.

Logiebear wrote:

Quote :

sliding slick and sick on the tounge

Really liked that use of sibilance.
Well done!

You just wanted to use the word sibilance, didn't you...


Crit-tick, because I will give it a full crit, honestly, when I can be arsed. But right now I have to fulfill the considerably more important task of filling Tammy's blob with Mistress...

Hey, no being mean to Logi when he's giving me complements! *smakes Hannah with rolled up news paper.* Bad Hannah.

Technicoloured, yeah I know I am an awful speller and normally I do spell check, but my check program is malfunctioning at the moment. Hopefully fixed soon and it's an issue I'm working on. Thanks for mentioning it though, because I must keep checking myself.

I actully originally wrote at the end of my shift at about three in the morning. You can probably tell.

Hannah-Rose wrote:

Crit-tick, because I will give it a full crit, honestly, when I can be arsed. But right now I have to fulfill the considerably more important task of filling Tammy's blob with Mistress...

Yes, thank you so much for that Hannah Dearest, I'll get you Monty Python ASAP because that is a fantastic CD that everyone should have illegally loaded onto their Ipod.

As for the poem, Logan bet me to commenting on the sibilance (no joke, I was going to give kudos for that coz I <3 sibilance) So instead I'll comment that I like the use of internal rhyme (purely because internal rhyme is a friend of mine)

In terms of the poem in relative seriousness, I like the use of metaphor.

I don't really know much about this style of poetry or theme so I'm not really in a position to critcise or offer advice.

Hmmm... I'd say I used more personification than metaphor, but hey, I'll take anything cause I'm a compliment slut.

If I say your body looks great, will you hold it against me?

Cause that's the first thing that popped into my head










inYOURendo

hard to say,

On the one hand I love people who complement me, on the other hand I dislike people who lie to me.

I'll forgive you on this occation Logi, cause I don't think you know what the difference is XD

*Puts on a black smooth guy voice*

Baby, I AM the difference

O.O...........Logi being swarve? thats just wrong.......

Just to be clear Bry, did you notice the horrid sleaze there where if you'd said you would "hold it against him" he would say your body looks great and wait expectantly for you to hold your body against him.

Logan, the only way you could be the difference is if it was the difference between 3 and 1 short planks.

O~O no i hadn't realised. thank god I didnt. Yeah I didn't really know what to say to Logi cause his reply didn't really make sense

he was reminding that men have one thing on their minds

Please, I hate to admitt it, but most of the time girls have only one thing on their mind too.

I thought we'd established that it was a case of, if you're going to have girls on your mind, they will be on your mind all the time Don't judge me

Harsh

I was referring to myself...

May I remind you this is ment to be about ME! Me and MY crappy work, not how perverted the two of you are!

We could say there is an element of perversion in your poem

I meant over the page was harsh but you two were too busy waffling on for me to get my comment in. grr.

too slow logi, too slow

My poem is not perverted!! it's about the place I used to work!

Yeah, I really don't see the peversion either ... if you want peverted poetry ... well I'd have to find it ... because I don't think I generally save that stuff on my computer ... ANYWAY.


Girls so can have one-track minds too. And I don't think it's always just about girls either...