The Nutshell

The Nutshell is a creative collective under the government of Holly-Rose and Hannah-Rose with ODD and SPONTANEOUS tamperings by Logie-Bear; made up of writers, musicians, and artists. Here teacups are rife and insanity is always technicoloured.
 
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 -- Goldfinch --

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Hannah-Rose
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PostSubject: -- Goldfinch --   Fri 2 May 2008 - 8:20

I want passion so much,
I tried to create it out of the space between us;
giving little pieces of myself away
so freely, like breadcrumbs to the birds,
until the carrion flock has stripped away my flesh
leaving the harsh light of reality to bleach my broken bones.

And you sang so sweetly,
my caged lover
trained voice and broken guitar.
So easy to idealise, idyllisize
as false perfection always is.
Why not sit inside the golden bars?
We could sing all day
as the vultures wheel above.
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love_is_a_verb
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PostSubject: Re: -- Goldfinch --   Sat 10 May 2008 - 6:35

Wow. Thats stark emotion.

I think just the first verse plus the first three lines of the second (joined together) would work as a more polished whole. Give or take adding the last three lines as well.
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wretchedkisses
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PostSubject: Re: -- Goldfinch --   Fri 19 Sep 2008 - 9:50

I think the juxtaposition of the two verses works well - the first comes off as more angry/hurt while the second reads as more nostalgic and wistful.

The only crit I'd make is that it seems kind of contrived - if you're aiming to portray real emotion, you've used quite lofty, obscure language to do it. I'm all for random language in poems - bipartisanship, hello? - but it doesn't work so well for conveying your personal emotion to the reader. It conveys that you want the reader to believe that you think of your own emotions in such 'high brow' ways.

It works if you want to be lauded for literary pomp, but not so much if you're looking to connect directly.
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Logiebear
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PostSubject: Re: -- Goldfinch --   Fri 19 Sep 2008 - 10:14

Hmm, one asking for "maturer" poetry, the other asking for less pompous.

This site just got more interesting.

Though this may mean I'll have to adjudicate the compo for a fair objective view on both. Le sigh.

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TimTam
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PostSubject: Re: -- Goldfinch --   Tue 23 Sep 2008 - 23:41

I really like this one. Was there a referrence to our belov'd Lear in the second stanza?

I like the language used, I think it suits the speakers voice.
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Hannah-Rose
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PostSubject: Re: -- Goldfinch --   Wed 24 Sep 2008 - 0:11

No actually, this lived before I entered the world of Lear; but it seems like it should, doesn't it? I'll claim it as deliberate in later years...

I think a lot of this comes from being rather heavily under the influence of Swinburne and Rossetti. The thing is, to me poetry isn't worth the ink if there's no beauty in the language, the pure texture of words etc... but I haven't quite found the balance yet between aesthetic and communication...

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TimTam
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PostSubject: Re: -- Goldfinch --   Wed 24 Sep 2008 - 0:15

"if it isn't worth the ink" That's why so many kids publish on bebo, 99% of stuff on there isn't worth cyberspace, let alone ink.

yay for the unintended deliberate
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wretchedkisses
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PostSubject: Re: -- Goldfinch --   Wed 24 Sep 2008 - 13:12

I fully applaud the beauty of the language, and I meant to say that it reads as a beautiful poem. I just got the feeling you were trying to say something more directly personal and I think it would be interesting reading you conveying that in more direct words.
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TimTam
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PostSubject: Re: -- Goldfinch --   Thu 25 Sep 2008 - 1:14

Knowing her, I don't think it needs to be more direct because there are some very direct terms there and I would think the sim was more about the feeling than telling a story.

I could be wrong, feel free to correct me Hannah.
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Hannah-Rose
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PostSubject: Re: -- Goldfinch --   Thu 25 Sep 2008 - 3:18

I think to someone who already knows the *ahem* story, it's remarkably clear, but a bit more lost in it's own backwaters to anyone else... I dunno, I guess it depends what you value... ask me again in a couple of years...

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