| Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please | |
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TimTam Tarnation In a TeaCup
Number of posts : 868 Age : 34 Location : physical or mental? Reputation : Registration date : 2008-03-02
| Subject: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please Tue 23 Sep 2008 - 23:54 | |
| So I noticed I'd not put anything up for a while, and this is the last thing I wrote before I became all soppy and attampted a love poem before remembering that at 18 I really can't understand what love is, let alone write love poetry, but that's ok because I I couldn't really manage anything anyway.
There is a part in here I'm not happy with, I'd like to see if anyone else thinks that part needs work.
There is a light on in the hall That sneaks under my door Lighting up the darkness For my blind eyes
The clock on the wall Smiles at me As greedy hands Steal more its precious possession
When you were here Time itself belonged to us And darkness was more Than just the absence of light
Tomorrow has been promised At dawn the sun will rise There will still be nothing I will see it clearer then
What became of love’s philosophy When you left my side? I asked you leave the light on When you closed the door | |
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Logiebear Beloved Squirrel Moderator
Number of posts : 1224 Age : 32 Location : Cloud Cuckoo Land Reputation : Registration date : 2008-04-11
| Subject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please Wed 24 Sep 2008 - 4:53 | |
| - TimTam wrote:
The clock on the wall Smiles at me As greedy hands Steal more its precious possession
I can see what you're trying to say here and using varied syntax is interesting but it doesn't flow and it's the odd one out in the short rhythm of the stanza. If you were trying to get an 'ebb and flow' feel between stanzas, this line would ruin it. It has merit. | |
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Hannah-Rose Goddess Devine Supreme OverLady
Number of posts : 1038 Reputation : Registration date : 2008-03-01
| Subject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please Wed 24 Sep 2008 - 7:33 | |
| I do intend to crit this... I just need to figure it out first... I think it's one of your better ones, though. | |
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wretchedkisses Apprentice Squirrel
Number of posts : 320 Age : 34 Location : Wellywood Reputation : Registration date : 2008-09-04
| Subject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please Wed 24 Sep 2008 - 13:10 | |
| I love the idea of it and the structure - starting and finishing on the same point is great, it feels complete.
The first, third and fifth stanzas work.
Second and fourth - clunky, non-well-scanning (IRONYYYYYY) hell.
The clock on the wall Smiles at me As greedy hands Steal more its precious possession
I agree with Logan, the intention was good but its just too much. Purple language is not always good language. You can be clever and heartfelt without using 80 bajillion syllables.
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Tomorrow has been promised At dawn the sun will rise There will still be nothing I will see it clearer then
These sound like four one liners taken from presidential campaign speeches. Also, they're boring. "At dawn the sun will rise"????!??!! Really? Its not emotive, its hello, Captain Obvious?!
These two stanzas really let down the spark and structure and emotion of the other three. Rehash these two and I'd love to see what you come up with. | |
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TimTam Tarnation In a TeaCup
Number of posts : 868 Age : 34 Location : physical or mental? Reputation : Registration date : 2008-03-02
| Subject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please Thu 25 Sep 2008 - 1:25 | |
| The clock on the wall Smiles at me As greedy hands Steal more its precious possession I get what you're saying but I wanted to stress the importance of time with this one, and also a bit with the fourth. Perhaps gift intead of possession? Though you lose the alliteration. Yay, I could run for president The last two lines were what I was getting at, but the first two were setting that up. I could perhaps do without that stanza entirely except that you might lose the meaning with the idea of understanding. And thank you Hannah, lol tell me what you think it is, but if you're trying to apply it to something in my life then don't bother, it's not from experience. I'd love to hear your interpretations, or anyone elses for that matter. | |
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xAnastasiax Mindless Minion
Number of posts : 236 Age : 33 Location : Nueva Zelanda Reputation : Registration date : 2008-09-24
| Subject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please Thu 25 Sep 2008 - 5:11 | |
| Yes yes Tammy, run for President! Then I can be First Lady :-P lol
I do like the poem. I'm crap at any kind of poetry to do with love, so I do applaud you. I agree that the second stanza could be changed a bit. I like the way the poem runs together and that the end links to the start. I had to read it a couple of times for it to make sense to me, but as I say, poems aren't my area, lol. At all. | |
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TimTam Tarnation In a TeaCup
Number of posts : 868 Age : 34 Location : physical or mental? Reputation : Registration date : 2008-03-02
| Subject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please Thu 25 Sep 2008 - 6:17 | |
| You'd be the best looking first lady America's ever had! but I'm not the politician here. | |
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xAnastasiax Mindless Minion
Number of posts : 236 Age : 33 Location : Nueva Zelanda Reputation : Registration date : 2008-09-24
| Subject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please Thu 25 Sep 2008 - 6:18 | |
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TimTam Tarnation In a TeaCup
Number of posts : 868 Age : 34 Location : physical or mental? Reputation : Registration date : 2008-03-02
| Subject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please Thu 25 Sep 2008 - 6:20 | |
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| Subject: Re: Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please | |
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| Love's Philosophy - An honest (harsh) critique please | |
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