crappy song I wrote resently

Okay felt guit at not putting actuall work on here since my one sad poem. Here is an even sadder song. It's gutair, using Em, G/E, A, Em/Am. I've gotten back into gutair these hols and can actully vagely play one now. Horrah

warning, angst.

Reality
Verse One

I know I'm not as easy,

As she seems to be.

I never could smile,

quite so perfectly.

And who could,

compare with her imagery?

She certainly appears

to live with symetry.


Chorus

But just,

give me a breath of you.

Give me a taste,

of fleash, or skin, or sinue (spel?)

She might be something special

in your dreams.

But I am real, I am here.

I am real and I am here.


Verse 2

It dosn't seem correct,

that I'm the only one.

Who sees beyond her charm,

and priceless golden hair.

And knows that she is not,

something to be envied.

It's only glamor on,

her eyes of eboney.


Chorus

So just,

give me a breath of you.

Give me a taste,

of fleash, or skin, or sinue.

I know she's something special

in you dreams.

but I am real, I am here.

I am real and I am here.


so just give me,

give me a breath of you.

give me a taste

of fleash, or skin, or sinue.

she must be something special,

something wonderous,

to you.

but I am real, I Am Real!

I am real and I am here.


I am real, I am here.

I am real and I am here.


hmmm....I think I just admitted a little too much about myself. And through bad lyrics too! Ah well, let the criticizim begin....

I actually quite like it

thanks, I was hoping you might XD

I'll have to actully play it to you some time.

Yes please

I know I'm not as easy,

As she seems to be.

I never could smile,

quite so perfectly.

And who could,

compare with her imagery?

She certainly appears

to live with symetry.symmetry


Chorus

But just,

give me a breath of you.

Give me a taste,

of flesh, or skin, or sinew (I think)

She might be something special

in your dreams.

But I am real, I am here.

I am real and I am here.


Verse 2

It dosn't seem correct,If you were using this word to rhyme, it would sound forced at best... using it just because ... seems entirely out of place, I mean, if you're going to use cliche's, might as well use them, if you're going to try and make a cliche new ... things just turn icky...

that I'm the only one.

Who sees beyond her charm,

and priceless golden hair.

And knows that she is not,

something to be envied.

It's only glamour on,

her eyes of ebony (and you realise that ebony is black, right?).

she must be something special,

something wonderous,

to you.

but I am real, I Am Real!

I am real and I am here.


I am real, I am here.

I am real and I am here.

Just my personal opinion, but I find the whole repeat-and-fade model a bit tired... All in all, definitely wanders too close to a few too many cliches ... try to dress it up a bit with some nice colourful vocabulary. I always say songwriters should treat their lyrics like a poem, ie, the words should have enough life in them to stand on their own out of context - whereas most songs tend to use whitewash lyrics that just sit ineffectually on top the composition...


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hehe, I knew you'd hate this song! though to correct you it most certainly dose not fade out at the end- I also hate songs like that- it's far too spice girls.

I get what your saying about 'correct', but originally this was 'fair' which is even worse, and yes of course I know ebony is black, I'm not a complet numb-nuts- black is the colour of this chick's eyes (though I should correct you on the asumption I'm sure you have, that this is about Libby, because it is not.)

Sure, honey, sure. And hate is a strong word, I gave it an honest critique is all. Btw, who the fuck has black eyes? O.o

No one you know. I have a life outside you guys you know

Sinew is right

How dare you go have other friends who aren't us! C'mon then, SPILL! Beeeyotch.


But my point was ... no one has black eyes. They don't exist... Dark brown maybe, but I swear black doesn't exist as an eye colour ... and definitely not with blonde hair ...

Perhaps when she saw them their pupils were so dialated that it looks like they had black eyes

Do we even know their gender?

And Hannah, up there in the red you sound like Jocelyn! tehe, I was telling Michael J last night about how Ms B always starts concerts on time, Deirdre overheard and thought we were talking about Jocelyn

No it's a chick, it's made quite obvious that I'm talking about a she. Don't know what to say spam- yes I guess her eyes might just be dark brow, but most of the time when I see her it's night, which makes them darker I guess. It's also somewhat metaphorical, cause she's not the nicest person in the world. And really it's no one you know, or are ever likely to meet.

i knew someone with black eyes in england

but i think he ad something wrong with them

he always worse sunglasses

so i guess he doesn't count

So much for you being almost entirely straight

How dose her talking about a guy is England not make her entirely straight? though I think it's fairly obvious that-preens herself- once again I have corrupted the masses

ok i think we are all confused in this conversation

which is odd cause you all seem more sionfused than me yet i am drinking vodka

which bry thought was peach tea lol

sticky-pearls wrote:

How dose her talking about a guy is England not make her entirely straight? though I think it's fairly obvious that-preens herself- once again I have corrupted the masses

I was talking about you not being straight

isnt the song about a girl to a guy

tehe, didn't she say it was about a girl?

Okay to sort out this big, confused mess..........I am talking TO a GUY, ABOUT a GIRL. Ok?

Ok, so I was confuused, sorry.

Didn't actually say anything about bry in that post

i know

im just saying in the general scheme of things